& geeky stick boy
Breaking News:
Gray Calls It A Career, Probably

By The Associated Press
In what may be his last sports-related public appearance, at an unscheduled press conference this morning, Tim Gray announced that he had retired from organized softball. Gray, who hit just .207 in his last full league season, suggested that the years has taken their toll. "I don't see the ball like I used to," he said, "and I'm too damn fat." The legendary corner infielder, whose defense had become a liability in recent years, was reportedly upset with a lack of what he described as "worth giving a shit about" offers from local franchises for the upcoming spring/summer 1999 season. "Why should I ride the pines for some two-bit, Canton C-league team, when I've been used to an entirely different, and superior, level of competition? What's next, a Goddamn Church league?"

Gray went on to say that the teams he had most recently been a part of had "spoiled" him to the point that playing for less than a "first-rate" club would have "been like drinking Zima-something only a real sissy would do." Though not ruling out a comeback, Gray said that, for now, this felt right. "I can't see myself on the field with a bunch of no-name, Midwestern mall rats. I'm used to playing ball with real men-guys whose arm strength could decapitate an unsuspecting farm animal, or whose nickname is a state."

As for his future plans, Gray was a bit elusive.