A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.